human aftertaste ..

i haven't posted for a week because i haven't known what to say. everything that i tried to write here just wasn't right, and i felt like i was having creator's block. i'm still not entirely sure of what i'm writing, even if it is what i feel..

an argument, to me, is just an excuse to take out your anger and aggressions on an individual. the screaming, cursing and possible physical actions that can happen can either further the gap or shorten it. the reason i bring up an argument is because i got into one. in all honesty, i'll avoid an altercation if i can. and i try not to start one, because i hate the aftermath of those first few words. but tell me if my actions and the way i handled the situation are wrong, please...

*put yourself in this scenario*

somebody walks into the room, looks you dead in the eyes, and only says hi to the person next to you. now you and this person - let's call them your stepmom - have had your differences, but you don't want any negativity between the two of you. so you speak up, asking them why they chose not to speak to you. and the first thing that comes from there mouth is a lie. so they turn around, leaving your question only partially answered and you in shock. then an argument ensues, and everything being said doesn't make sense. and the thing that pisses you off the most is that all of it stemmed from one tiny, itty bitty, harmless little question. one of only a marginal degree, and it still was taken as a chance to disrespect an insignificant other.


basically, that was the standpoint. because of an easily answerable question, your whole family has to go to counseling. you don't really have any money because of the move, and your father having to pay for the house expenses. you haven't been out of the house all summer because of having no money, and all your trips are canceled. you don't know what to feel, because your life is so much like a roller coaster. you're trying to keep your head up, but every single time you rise something knocks you down. you believe in god, but you feel like he's left you alone. music doesn't make you feel better, and you're crying for reasons you can't understand. you've lost your ppl skills, and, in your mind, logic no longer feels plausible. the things that you used to bring you joy are starting to lose their accountability, and everything on your body hurts. you're too emotional, only funny to yourself, and get the notion that your friends can't understand. you pray, and you pray, and you pray, and things just don't seem to add up. you don't lose faith, and your knocked down again. and again. and again. most everything you do is criticized and ppl don't seem to acknowledge your supposed unparalleled uniqueness. you miss your mom, and yet instead of you holding her god is. you don't want to give up, but something keeps telling you to sit down and die...

as you can see, things haven't really been that great. pray for me, as i shall for you..