human aftertaste ..

i haven't posted for a week because i haven't known what to say. everything that i tried to write here just wasn't right, and i felt like i was having creator's block. i'm still not entirely sure of what i'm writing, even if it is what i feel..

an argument, to me, is just an excuse to take out your anger and aggressions on an individual. the screaming, cursing and possible physical actions that can happen can either further the gap or shorten it. the reason i bring up an argument is because i got into one. in all honesty, i'll avoid an altercation if i can. and i try not to start one, because i hate the aftermath of those first few words. but tell me if my actions and the way i handled the situation are wrong, please...

*put yourself in this scenario*

somebody walks into the room, looks you dead in the eyes, and only says hi to the person next to you. now you and this person - let's call them your stepmom - have had your differences, but you don't want any negativity between the two of you. so you speak up, asking them why they chose not to speak to you. and the first thing that comes from there mouth is a lie. so they turn around, leaving your question only partially answered and you in shock. then an argument ensues, and everything being said doesn't make sense. and the thing that pisses you off the most is that all of it stemmed from one tiny, itty bitty, harmless little question. one of only a marginal degree, and it still was taken as a chance to disrespect an insignificant other.


basically, that was the standpoint. because of an easily answerable question, your whole family has to go to counseling. you don't really have any money because of the move, and your father having to pay for the house expenses. you haven't been out of the house all summer because of having no money, and all your trips are canceled. you don't know what to feel, because your life is so much like a roller coaster. you're trying to keep your head up, but every single time you rise something knocks you down. you believe in god, but you feel like he's left you alone. music doesn't make you feel better, and you're crying for reasons you can't understand. you've lost your ppl skills, and, in your mind, logic no longer feels plausible. the things that you used to bring you joy are starting to lose their accountability, and everything on your body hurts. you're too emotional, only funny to yourself, and get the notion that your friends can't understand. you pray, and you pray, and you pray, and things just don't seem to add up. you don't lose faith, and your knocked down again. and again. and again. most everything you do is criticized and ppl don't seem to acknowledge your supposed unparalleled uniqueness. you miss your mom, and yet instead of you holding her god is. you don't want to give up, but something keeps telling you to sit down and die...

as you can see, things haven't really been that great. pray for me, as i shall for you..

technological mind explosion !!

i'm really starting to get into all of these different internet things lol.. technology really has got the best of me. but anyway, i made a youtube page. it's not much, because i just made it, but it's enough to feed your comedic hunger. The URL is

http://www.youtube.com/user/CheikhsLavishhh


Go and see the minimalisticness of it.. It's gonna get better, with time and experience :D

sorry !!

that it took me so long to update this mo'fo blog; i just got caught up with some things - overused excuse - and couldn't... well honestly, i could've but always found myself doing something else. so, i should get back to my usual schedule.. haha. but really; i hope i didn't run all of you guys off, seeing that i haven't been on my blog grind :P love ya, and continue reading.. it's for a good cause!

yes ..

yes. yes. yes. life has seriously been heartbreaking and amazing. i was feeling as though i'm not a good enough person, or that i'm less than everyone else sometimes.. but maybe everyone feels like that every once in a while. life in

north hills

has been pretty .. good. waaaayyyyyyy better than dry and flat ass lancaster. i feel like out here i can breathe; maybe it's because i can lol. shit i don't know.. anyway, i'm just figuring myself out. having some semi-fun; not too much, or i'll poke my out (words of that one dumb ass tv show).

i've made new friends - yay me! - and i've also gotten into a lot better shape - i used to claim i had a six pack and, while i did, you couldn't necessarily see the "packs." lmfao.. but they've came out of hiding, and are resting easy under my t-shirt. i'm proud of myself; it is NOT easy exercising and swimming six days out of the week. but i'm doing it, so i'm glad. i'm taking it one step at a time, and i'm doing alright.. i feel much more true with myself than before, likely because i'm not really surrounded by negativity anymore. but i feel more whole, more complete and simply more.. me. haha, i'm starting to sound all inspirational. but hey, i'm just moving forward.

so!

i found out the name of the high school i'm going to, and it's a ugly ass name.. monroe high school.. wtf. that shit is hideous, lmfao. but whatever, i'm going for my education and reassurance that i become something. i'm just waiting because i want to see what the kids are like, and the new attitudes. i noticed from what i've seen, a lot of ppl out here are cocky. they give you sideways looks and don't say anything. or maybe it's because black :P sheesh, i have no idea. but they better get used to me, because....

i'm..

fxcking..

here!!!

and i'm going to be here a while before i leave.. but i'm out. i'm going to zone out to some j*davey and chillax. see you on the flipside (i love that saying).. ♥☮♫

damn ..

i really don't care how late i might be on this video, but this guy has seriously earned a spot on my blog. his name is durand bernarr, and his voice is beautiful. a definite plus is that he's singing my favorite group (J*Davey). sheesh, somebody give him a record deal.

one of my favorite videos ..

omFg, i almost pissed on myself when i watched this. seriously, sit back and enjoy; this is for your serious viewing pleasure.

goetry from cheikh .. part 2

Damn

and he said
DAMN. IT. ALL.
to hell with it.
the acquisitions, the inhibitions.
the goal racing, paper chasing game.
he was exhausted.
but an enamorous glow upon his life
kept calling him back.
to him, his life was like a CD.
it seemed that once he reached a certain point,
he'd relapse to where he first began.
haha, screamed his mind.
he follied in the whimsicalness of his
thoughts of this repetition.
but he failed to realize that his repetition
was not only repetition,
but a definition of the insufficient completeness
that he called his existence.
still whimsical?
it was as if he asked to be unfinished,
and tarnished in his vicarious living.
such despair! ha, what a joke...
the question was why so serious,
when life is so delirious
and you can't help but act cantankerous
in what we call citizenship.
his spirit felt bedraggled and disarrayed.
innocence lies in love,
but love lied.
and he's blind, and his ambitions benine.
sully him? but it's not his fault;
who would've ever thought
this earth would make him so obsene?
and wean him from his tuition.
rest assured, he wants revenge.
but the singes and the burns
only turn delight to scorn
and he hasn't even learned
from his own faulty transgressions.
maybe the cause was the repression of his fear..?
or the suppression of his peers.
because now,
he has no one to depend on,
and the world has spit on
him
and demanded he go to hell.
but little do they know
he's already there.

definition time ..

GOETRY: poetry that makes you feel enlightened, refreshed or lovely. the type of poetry/spoken word that makes you want to get up and make everything that's wrong right.

now get ready for the eyegasms, because the goetry is getting ready to ensue :)

goetry from cheikh .. part 1

this one's for you ebony brown♥

Snow

argentine fluffy flakes
of incandescent angelicness
flow from a mulberry sky.
they fall lightly, flow slightly;
their movements are almost poetic.
slivers of barren, unmarked ice
descend from an amethyst heaven above.
romance surrounds me,
and the flakes hold lyrics of rememberance
upon their engravements.
a tear streams down my cheek;
my love for winter has never been jaded,
it has never faded.
i love to love the snow.
it surrounds me; it encloses me
in my own haven of understanding
and gratitude.
the snow is my best friend :)

hide my face , shun my tears , silence my living ...

you know it's weird how i swore an oath to update my blog everyday, yet i haven't been doing what i said i'd do. i think lately i've been feeling more obligated to finding myself ... i mean i've been feeling so lost and out of it lately. i think it's an identity crisis, but that's soemthing i want to resort to last. i've had an identity crisis before and it's not fun. it hurts, A LOT. but lately my poetry hasn't been really coming like it does, and i'm not feeling that creative push. i feel as though i've been thrown into some sort of demonic limbo, where nothing comes natural or creatively true anymore. i don't feel like a mainstream whore or anything, but i simply don't feel like cheikh anymore ... i want to blame it on my living situation (having just moved), but i don't think i can. i want to blame it on my dad, but he's not doing anything wrong. maybe i should blame it on my stepmom.. but then again, she's not really a topic of particular interest in my life. perhaps i should just blame it on myself, for trying not to own up to what i'm in. i don't think i got myself here, but i think i had something to do with the sudden loss of misunderstanding. but ... i think i'm going to just keep it pushing, and try to make the best of what i have. i've moved to a different city, i have a new life and new opportunities :) i guess i'll just have to get over it, and retain what's not necessarily lost but in hiding. i believe there's a reason behind the sudden change, and i'm almost sure i what it is ... but hey, i'm writing a book. and i'm going to get it published, so i'm pretty psyched (yay!). i'm at slauson right now, and i'm about ready to go home and sleep. for the last few nights i haven't got enough adequate sleep. and it's starting to affect my daytime awareness - slow ass reflexes, compulsive yawning lol. but i'm finished for right now; i'm going to write some more of my book. it's a very interesting part; and make sure when it comes out - likely sometime at the end of this year or the beginning of next year - you buy it! please, your support will mean everything to me :D bye guys!!

& just lemme clarify ..

the reason why i haven't blogged in almost three effing years. okay, here are my explanations....



1. i haven't had internet for almost a friggin week! man, i almost died (figuratively speaking.. i'm not that crazy!)..

2. i moved! to north hills california.. but i'm a little confoosed as to whether we live in north hills or northridge. somebody - & that somebody being my father - is going to have to explain this to me :D

3. i've been reading A LOT. i think this is one of those periods for me where reading is becoming customary for me :) i read a whole book in a day, a new record for me. it was a good 150-160 pages so i feel pretty accomplished! PLUS i read another good 150 pages of another book.. so cool, haha.

4. i'm writing a book. but i'm not going to tell you what it's about, or where it takes place, or who's in it.. but i will tell you the main character's name is nazi (pronounced nahh-zee) and i'm having a lot of fun writing it. i really want to get that and my poetry published. as soon as i finish this book, i'm going to get them copyrighted and published, sure thing..



so basically, that's why i haven't blogged, myspaced, facebooked, or gmailed. geez louise i haven't even TWITTERED!! haha, i'm kidding.. i have one for no reason.. but that's been my life for the past two weeks. i mean some drama did go on that i don't wish to converse on here with curious eyes and evesdropping fingers, but what's life without a little bit of hardship every now and then? man, i have gotta get my blogger skills tight. because this right here, this ain't poppin' like lil mama's raggedy ass lip gloss. i just gotta get this together.. anyway, that's enough for right now. i'll continue my regular schedule of posting random weird shit from different websites tho, to keep you dear folk entertained. hasta la vista crab children..! oh! before we go, let's end with a..


side boob pic. pure. awesomeness. lmfao.

i call this one "i've come to realize" ..

i've come to realize
that life
is not about the fancy cars,
or the diamond rings.
it's about our will to live,
and fight for what we believe.

i've come to realize
that labels
don't define a person.
an individual is recognized by the beauty inside,
and caring for others.
loving someone, with nothing to bind them
from admitting true feelings.

i've come to realize
that necessities
don't make life better.
most only bring destruction and deprivation
causing envy amongst those in need.

i've come to realize
that tomorrow
is not promised, but instead lended.
we borrow these days from God,
and will one day return
what he so graciously gave to us.

i've come to realize
that there
is no need to categorize myself any longer.
words don't control my being,
because i simply am
and always will be me.

i've come to realize
that heaven
is a physical place,
but i must enter it and feel it spiritually.
my soul must walk alone.
with no more worldly shells,
i am beauty: the true definition.

i've come to realize
that people
can not judge me.
their power is futile; they play childish games.
but God has power, and with him there are
limitless possibilities.

i've come to realize
that death
is real.
it's dark and cold, but life is everywhere.
you can take my breath,
but you'll never have my soul.

i've come to realize
that love
feels emotions.
it knows our pain; it knows happiness.
it understands my remorse.

i've come to realize
that i
have amazing potential.
and no matter how many people
give me hope,
i must first believe in myself.


life is hanging by a thread,
but i intend on make the
best of it.