HAPPY NEW YEARS HOES!
how's everyone's january first going? *crickets* yeah, thanks for the enthusiasm.
anyway, although i'm glad it's a new year ... and i'm truly not one to complain ... for some odd reason, it feels exactly like 2009. nothing seems to have changed. all my misguided, random fxcked up feelings are still here, along with my scars and cum stains of 2KIX. what the fxck..?
i remember last year (or two years ago, since i'm referring to december 31st, 2008) things felt completely different. i was overtly excited and mystified by the thought of a new year. i thought about how i'd be leaving behind all the sadomasochistic, idiotic and remotely homoerotic things i did in 2008 and i almost shed a tear. i was happy/excited/scared/worried/amazed/flabbergasted; nothing could really describe how excited i was. nothing, to this day, can describe how excited i was ... unless i were to take a random jumble of symbols and letters and call them an emotion ... something along the lines of f@r**9nfdd. yes, i was f@r**9nfdd beyond disbelief. i sat outside in the chilling wind at my dad's friend's new year's eve party with a white tarp a few feet above my head and a plate of enchilada's in my hands. i waited, and waited ... and waited. then i waited a little bit more, and when i looked at the clock it was ten to midnight. i waited just a tad more, thinking of the possibilities and opportunities that the year 2009 would bring.
and at some moment whilst lost deep in the pipeworks of my mind, thinking of whimsies far too beyond me to describe, the clock struck 12. i watched as the tequila flew in the air and everyone outside and inside the house danced in merriment. people were laughing and kissing and proclaiming that 2009 would be a year of change. but me, i couldn't move. i just sat there and thought to myself: wow, it's really a new year. shitty ass 2008 is gone, and i finally have a clean slate. finally...
then i jumped up and laughed and danced, and mingled with my fellow party goers. it was a moment of awakening, a time of joy ... a point in time that i'd be destined to remember for as long as puberty grasped my body with a selfish fervor. the thing i remember the most about that one, celestial moment? being joyous, beyond the bounds of what is humanly possible to describe to you with a webster's dictionary in hand. it's something that i believe is felt by many, but a feeling that few can bring themselves to construe.
it's a year later, and that feeling is DEAD. the sad part about it is i don't know exactly why ... like i said previously, i'm glad that it's 2010 and i'm proud that i made it through 2009 (which was equally and probably more shitty than 2008). but i just can't bring myself to feel a unequivocal and unmatched bliss for the year ahead. perhaps i'm judging too early, or maybe i'm thinking about it a tad too much. but for some reason, things just feel ... lackluster. i'm willing to give 2010 the benefit of the doubt, since it IS only january 1st. but watching all those people at times square this morning kiss and declare their undying love/lust for each other, i feel alone and alienated in my thinking. i mean there's so much to be happy about: it is a new year, my birthday is in 27 days, ces (the consumer electronics show) is next week and mwc (mobile world congress) is in february, and most important of all ... IT'S A NEW YEAR! but something just seems off; something about this year just feels incomplete compared to 2008 and 2009, despite their equal fucktardedness...
it seems to me that a lot of my questions went unanswered last year ... so i was stuck - and still fucking am - with a book full of questions that have been awaiting a solid answer. perhaps that's why i'm feeling so lowly about 2KX ... perhaps. it also seems that i always find myself postponing projects and things that need to be done. perhaps that's the source of my pessimism ... but i doubt it. maybe it's the fact that my mother isn't here to enjoy the last two years, eleven months and twenty days we have left on this earth before we're all blown to armageddon ... it could be. i think the most logical and truthful explanation is that what is swelled up inside of me is a culmination of all my past failures, and the sense that 2010 will only further lead me down that road of wreckoning. that's my hypothesis, but what's yours?
either way, i'm not sure of these next 364 days nor am i sure about what's going to play out over the next 8,736 hours left in the year. whatever it is, i hope that it leads to my salvation and an escape from whatever it is that plagues my thoughts so.
-editor ... or cheikh, "as the girls with the chapped lips like to call me"
p.s. she gets it ... and she knows who she is; mi amiga mejor ...
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